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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 25, 2011's comic on:


Tags #competition (psychology), #goals for the year, #assignments, #average raise, #invent nuclear fusion, #lack of knowledge

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Boss: I'm getting writer's block trying to come up with your goals for the year. Dilbert: Just write anything. We both know I'll ignore the goals and work on whatever you assign to me. Boss: How will I know if you do a good job if you don't have goals? Dilbert: Same way as always. You'll compare your lack of knowledge about what I did to the goals you imagine you might have created if you could have seen the future. Then you'll give me an average raise just like everyone else who didn't invent nuclear fusion. Boss: Works for me. Dilbert: It's better to not overthink these things.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 01, 2012's comic on:


Tags #television news, #rogue nations, #nuclear weapons, #polar ice caps, #melting, #unemployment, #brink of default, #retirement, #news

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Wally: Rogue nations are building nuclear weapons. The polar ice caps are melting. Unemployment is high. Entire nations are on the brink of default. You aren't saving enough for retirement. Dilbert: What do you have going here? Wally: He said he doesn't pay attention to news. I wondered why.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 08, 1989's comic on:


Tags #store, #reaction, #nuclear

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Dilbert enters Electrode Hut. Dilbert says to the salesclerk, "I'm looking for a detonator coil, suitable for a small nuclear device." The clerk faints and falls to the floor. Dilbert says, "That was the best one today!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 18, 2002's comic on:


Tags #chosen to design, #worlds safest nuclear plant, #great assignment, #safe, #not near my house

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The Boss says to Dilbert, "Dilbert, you have been chosen to design the world's safest nuclear power plant." Dilbert replies, "This is the greatest assignment that any engineer could hope for. I'm flattered by the trust you have in me." The Boss responds, "By 'safe' I mean 'not near my house.'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 19, 2002's comic on:


Tags #totally safe, #nuclear power plant, #elbonia, #slacve labor, #woo-hoo

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Dilbert says to Wally and Asok, "Our assignment is to design a totally safe nuclear power plant." Wally responds, "Let's put it in Elbonia. That seems safe to me." An Elbonian says to another, "Our offer of cheerful slave labor paid off!" The other responds, "Woo-Hoo!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 20, 2002's comic on:


Tags #nuclear power plant, #our process, #gather customer requirements, #free electricity, #mutating, #xray vision

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Dilbert says to Wally and Asok, "None of us has designed a nuclear power plant before but we can figure it out by using our process." Dilbert continues, "In phase one we will gather customer requirements." Asok is meeting with a customer. Asok says, "So.. you want free electricity without mutating, unless the mutation gives you X-Ray vision." The customer responds, "Yep."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 23, 2002's comic on:


Tags #elbonia, #oversee construction, #nuclear power plant, #first order, #uranium, #director of security

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Headline: In Elbonia. Dilbert says to two Elbonians, "I'm here to oversee the construction of the nuclear power plant." Dilbert continues, "The first order of business is security for the uranium." An Elbonian responds, "A pig ate it." Dilbert exclaims, "What?! I demand to see your director of security!" The Elbonian answers, "You'll have to wait; the pig ate him too."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 21, 2002's comic on:


Tags #elbonians, #classified ad, #nuclear war head, #russian craftsmanship, #third world countries, #slingshot, #hundred yards

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Two Elbonians show up at Dilbert's house door. Dogbert opens. An Elbonian says, "We saw your classified ad for a nuclear warhead." Dogbert says, "It's genuine Russian craftsmanship, ideal for menacing other third-world countries." An Elbonian responds, "Sweet." An Elbonian holds the warhead and says, "Our slingshot can fling this a hundred yards. Is that enough?" Dogbert looks at their briefcase full of money and says, "That's plenty."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 22, 2002's comic on:


Tags #elbonia, #nuclear power, #warhead, #enemies, #kneebonia, #match

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A newscaster on television says, "The impoverished nation of Elbonia became a nuclear power today." Dilbert pours coffee and watches the news. The newscaster continues, "They plan to test their one and only warhead to frighten their enemies in Kneebonia." Two Elbonians are carrying the warhead. One Elbonian says, "I'M not going to ask him for a match. YOU ask him!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 18, 2005's comic on:


Tags #cell phone network, #illegal compnent, #bribe, #nuclear weapon, #add flavor

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"Your bid to build our cell phone network is the lowest by far." "But I'd feel more comfortable if it had an illegal component." "Like a bribe? Or helping you build a nuclear weapon?" "Yes, just something to add flavor."