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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 14, 2012's comic on:


Tags #babies, #complaining, #human resources, #evil director, #discriminates, #short, #bald, #near sighted, #born this way

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Wally: My boss discriminates against me because I'm short, bald, and near-sighted. It's not my fault. I was born this way. Woman: And who is this little... whoa! Hello. Catbert: evil director of Human Resources. Literally.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 22, 2011's comic on:


Tags #cruelty, #office workers, #mindless task, #intern, #time, #little value, #jump out, #nice way to say

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Dilbert: Asok, there's no nice way to say this... do this mindless task for me because you're nothing but an intern and your time has very little value. Asok: There probably was a nice way to say that. Dilbert: It didn't jump out.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 22, 2011's comic on:


Tags #lawyers & attorneys, #legal advice, #chain reaction, #future visionary leader not being born, #maintenance agreement, #stabbing gandhi

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Company Lawyer Dilbert says, "I need your legal advice." Lawyer says, "There's a risk that this could cause a chain reaction that results in a future visionary leader not being born." Dilbert says, "It's just a maintenance agreement." Lawyer says, "It's like stabbing Gandhi."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Dilbert and Allen walking down a hall. Dilbert asks, "So, Allen, what's it like to be a hideous sycophant?" Allen replies, "It's okay." Allen asks, "What's it like to have no hope of career advancement?" Dilbert responds, "Not bad." Allen and Dilbert sitting at table with food trays. Allen asks, "Were you born that way or is it a lifestyle choice?" Dilbert responds, "I'll ask my mom, but I think it was bad parenting."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 22, 1999's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #hammer head bob, #im boring, #no way, #end conversation

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You're getting a visit from Hammer head Bob! I can't tell when Im boring, I might be boring now and I don't even know it, There's no way to end a conversation with me; I'll follow you to the bathroom. Dilbert: Im nailed.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 06, 1999's comic on:


Tags #strategic plan, #everyone supports, #a way to copy, #images, #piece of paper

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A balding man with extreamly long hair and beard sees Alice in the hall. Bearded man says, "I did it!" Bearded man says, "It's a strategic technology plan that everyone supports." ALice smiles. Bearded man says, "If only there were a way to copy images from one piece of paper to many." Alice frowns.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 11, 1999's comic on:


Tags #care about you, #improve morale, #illegal, #health, #least possible way

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The boss, standing behind Alice sitting at her computer says, "Alice, I care about you..." The boss adds, "But only enough to improve your morale, not enough to be illegal in any way." The boss continues saying, "So, tell me about you health in the least specific way possible."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 18, 2000's comic on:


Tags #many tasks, #better, #never born, #technically true, #slap later

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Asok reports at a meeting: "I performed many tasks, but I can not claim any accomplishments." He continues: "Because things might have turned out better had I never been born." He turns to Dilbert: "Technically, it's true." Dilbert tells Asok: "Remind me to slap you later."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 07, 2000's comic on:


Tags #boring, #director of information, #e-diot, #easy way, #title

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Wally says to The Boss, "You should put an 'E-' in front of your title." Wally says, "It's too boring just being the Director of Information, Operations and Technology." The Boss says to his secretary, Carol, "From now on, call me the E-DIOT." Carol says, "If only there were an easy way to remember that."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 14, 2000's comic on:


Tags #Catbert, #evil director, #most evil way, #database, #customer information, #sell mailing list, #spam, #balckmail, #data bse, #clumping

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The Boss says to Catbert, "What's the most evil way to use our database of customer information? The Boss says, "Should we sell our mailing lists, spam without mercy, or just blackmail customers?" Catbert says, "Um... Do you have me in that database?" The Boss says, "We know all about your clumping problems."