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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 19, 1995's comic on:


Tags #boss types, #handy refrence, #hostage taker, #cucbicle, #talks ear off, #vigorous head noodling, #subnet, #ip addresses, #motivational lair, #mushroom, #qualitize, #paradigm, #inundate, #bonus, #80 hour weeks, #moses, #perfect boss, #died thursday afternooon

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The panel is titled, "Boss Types." Dogbert holds a pointer and says, "Find your boss on this handy reference." The caption says, "Hostage taker: Traps you in your cubicle and talks your ears off." A man stands in the doorway saying, "Blah blah." A man at a desk says, "Ow!!" as his ears fall off. The caption says, "Fraud: Uses vigorous head nodding to simulate comprehension." Dilbert says, "Then we'll subnet our IP addresses." The man next to him nods his head and says, "Oh yeah. Oh yeah." The caption says, "Motivational Liar: Has no clue what you do but says you're the best." A man says, "Nobody can do what you do!!" The woman thinks, "Except a mushroom." The caption says, "Over Promoted: Tries to mask incompetence with poor communication." Three people sit at a conference table. A man says, "Let's qualitize our paradigm so we don't over inundate with datums." The caption says, "Weasel: Takes credit for your hard work." A man holding a bag of money tells a woman, "This bonus is for brilliantly forcing your staff to work 80 hour weeks." The woman replies, "It wasn't easy!" The caption says, "Moses: Perpetually waits for clear signals from above." The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Don't do anything important yet." Wally replies, "Never have." The caption says, "Perfect Boss: Dies of natural causes on a Thursday afternoon." Alice looks at a dead body and asks, "Should we do something?" Wally yells, "Three day weekend!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 03, 2004's comic on:


Tags #80 hour week, #crazy talk, #less work, #loofah, #evil director, #human resources

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Alice: Im working 80 hours a week. I barely have time to bathe. Catbert: try using your tongue during meetings, Its like a bath and a loofah all in one. Alice: Or I could do less work. Catbert: Thats crazy talk.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 13, 2001's comic on:


Tags #leave work early, #doctor appt, #female issues, #get out of work, #worked, #80 hour week, #boss, #zombie

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Alice is leaving the office with her briefcase and her jacket. The Boss stands with his hands on his hips in the doorway behind her and says, "It looks like someone is leaving early." Alice turns and replies, "I started at 5 a.m. and I've already worked eighty hours this week." The Boss looks at her and says, "SO?" Alice replies, "I have a doctor's appointment...for female..." as the Boss puts his hands to his ears and yells, "No details! Go Go Go!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 14, 2007's comic on:


Tags #write code, #faster, #high level of effciciency, #recognized, #rewarded, #works for you, #finish all projects, #one hour

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Asok: I found a clever way to write my application code in one hour! "Normally this sort of thing would take weeks." "I assume my high level of efficiency will be recognized and rewarded." Alice: "Let me know how that works out for you." The Boss: "You did all of that in one hour?" Asok: "Yes. I did." The Boss: "From now on. I expect you to finish all of your projects in one hours." "Otherwise I'll assume you're ripping off the company." Asok: "You could have warned me." Alice: "That's not how experience works."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 26, 2011's comic on:


Tags #internet & world wide web, #monsters, #turned feral, #engineers, #social life, #social skills, #few weeks, #wolfman, #howls at inetrnet

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Alice: Steer clear of Darryl. He turned feral. Asok: Feral? Dilbert: That's what happens when engineers don't get invited to meetings. Alice: Darryl's only social life was meetings. Dilbert: He didn't get to use his social skills for a few weeks, and apparently he lost them. Asok: Is it like he turned into a wolfman? Dilbert: Yes, except he's better at math. And he howls at the Internet, not the moon. Asok: Can we watch? Man: How-ooo can you blog that?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 04, 2011's comic on:


Tags #administrative agencies, #control, #data, #delay, #frustration, #manipulate, #meetings, #time, #two weeks

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Woman: Wally, I need your data for my meeting in three days. Wally: Okay. It shouldn't take more than three or four days to pull it together. Woman: Not three or four days. I need it in three days. Wally: Okay. Three days. Not counting the weekend and the day I give it to you. Woman: That would be six days! Wally: Six or seven days. Tops. Woman: I need it in three days, not a week. Wally: That's no problem. A week or two at the most. Woman: Okay! You win! I'll reschedule my meeting for two weeks out! And you'll have the data in two weeks? Wally: Yes. Two weeks or so.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 20, 1994's comic on:


Tags #dress codes don't apply, #fireing, #hire back, #more money, #reverence package, #telecommute, #two weeks vaction

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"Great news -- You're fired!" "You get a generous severance package, two weeks' vacation, AND we hire you back as a contractor for more money!!" "And I can telecommute if I want, but since dress codes don't apply to me..." "Aargh!" "Bonk, Bonk"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 21, 1994's comic on:


Tags #3 hour meeting, #doesn't apply, #highly paid contractor, #oxygen to brains, #multimedia developer

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Ted: It looks like you're off to a three-hour staff meeting that doesn't apply to me. Ted: Im glad Im a highly paid contractor, I'll be increasing my skills while you fight to get oxygen to your brains. THREE HOURS LATER TED: I became a multimedia developer, How was your day?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 17, 1995's comic on:


Tags #the problem, #under staffed, #six weeks, #behind, #the analysis, #add people, #the result, #daily stats reports, #situation

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The caption reads, "The problem . . ." Dilbert enters looking frazzled and says to the Boss, "We're so under-staffed that the project is six weeks behind schedule." The caption reads, "The analysis . . ." The Boss looks pensive and thinks, "I can't add people . . . I can't change the due date . . . I can't ignore it." The caption reads, "The result . . ." Dilbert says to Wally and Alice, "He wants daily status reports until the situation improves." All three look overworked and disheveled.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 19, 1996's comic on:


Tags #consultant, #highly paid, #150 per hour, #ideal career, #unproductive

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Ratbert leans on Wally's monitor and says, "As a consultant, I earn $150 per hour even when I'm unproductive." Ratbert continues, "I can earn 42 cents by wiggling my furry little behind for ten seconds." Ratbert shouts, "C'mon, count with me!!!" Wally tells Dilbert, "When I imagine my ideal career, it's never like this."